3 ways to support your teenage daughter with unwanted judgement

“But Izzy I KNOW they are judging me because I’ve heard them make comments or laugh behind my back”.

Oh the reality of being at school. As much as we can try to challenge the inner critic thoughts where we worry that people are judging us (but really they aren’t), sometimes they actually are.

The girls tell me about times:

The boys were laughing at them when they were doing sport.

They had b*tchy comments about some thing they were wearing.

They were called ‘baby-ish’.

Parents and teachers can tell them to just brush it off but for a lot of them this feels like their world is crashing in. Acceptance and fitting in is such a strong need during adolescence. So this feels like the ultimate shame attack.

---

The judgements fuel the anxiety, the self esteem takes a hit and the confidence drops.

The judgements can be there. They aren’t always imaginary.

I can still remember moments from my teenage years where a boy made a comment about the size of my legs, or said I had an annoying voice, or a group of girls laughed at me in the corridor, and I can still connect with those feelings now over 15 years later.

When we experience judgement, we have a whole body physical response. The feeling of shame or embarrassment leaves an imprint on our nervous system and we take on the message that we must shrink or hide parts of ourselves in order to avoid being in that situation again.

We might find in adulthood that we avoid speaking up with our idea in a work meeting, or withholding telling someone how we really, or not doing or wearing certain things in order to avoid any judgement from others. But we don’t want our girls to grow up half living, avoiding vulnerability and shrinking into fear.

So how are we equipping them to manage this?

1. Help her to build an inner champion.

Most of us can recognise the inner critic- the voice that says “I’m not good enough, I’m so stupid, they’re better than me” and this voice can more often than not be louder than our inner champion.

The inner champion (or inner cheerleader!) is the internal voice that is kind, supportive and positive. that it ends up making them feel even worse. Introducing them to positive affirmations & helping them to focus on their strengths and beautiful qualities will prompt them to keep working on speaking to themselves kindly and build the positive internal voice that will drown out the inner critic and build their resilience against other people’s judgments.

The following affirmations may be particularly helpful in these situations:

I am worthy as I am

I am enough as I am

I don’t need to change myself for other people’s approval

The right people love me for me

My worth isn’t tied to how I look

2. Help her to identify the feelings she is experiencing and validate how she feels.

If she is able to name how she is feeling she is more able to process it and let it go and move on from it. Shame, embarrassment and anxiety tend to be the most common human responses to being judged.

You could say something like “I know that must have felt really rubbish, no-one likes to feel embarrassed or exposed like that”, or and you could even tell her about a time that you felt judged. This makes her feel heard and understood and know that she is isn’t alone and that these experiences do happen to all of us and there isn’t anything wrong with her.

If you daughter struggles with anxiety and this has been a huge trigger for her, you can guide her towards some grounding exercises to help her with calming her nervous system

3. Help her to reflect on the situation in conversation.

What are her own core values? Does she value kindness? Fairness? Integrity? And how does the feel this person acted in accordance with those things?

Helping her to remember that the people who have upset her haven’t aligned with her own values can be key when reminding her that their words and actions don’t hold any power over her or determine her worth. Perhaps the person is insecure themselves or trying to prove something to others for their own validation. As adults it’s much clearer to us that other people’s behaviour isn’t actually about US, but in adolescence, everything feels MUCH more personal.

Judgements can feel like a huge knock back and it can be tough and heart wrenching witnessing those times that your daughter has come home upset as a result of something someone else has said to her. But with the right coping skills and support they can be a catalyst for building great resilience! As adults we know that when we manage to cope with difficult situations and come out the other side we grow in confidence, self assurance and increased faith in ourselves. Overcoming challenges can feel so empowering, and as her biggest cheerleader you can give her the extra encouragement and reminders that she might be needing!

If you’re feeling lost and looking for some support for your teenage daughter, please feel free to contact me to enquire about 1-1 sessions